


Driving Stick

by Vanessa_Brand



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Dirty Talk, F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 04:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30066576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vanessa_Brand/pseuds/Vanessa_Brand
Summary: Now that Storybrooke is safe and The United Realms are at peace, Killian finally takes a much needed driving lesson from his father-In-Law... who may be a great man and a real friend, but is not much of a driving instructor. Sass and comedy ensue.
Relationships: Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan, Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Prince Charming | David Nolan
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	Driving Stick

Pirate and prince, both now permanent denizens of Storybrooke / The United Realms, sat in David’s pick-up truck. Given, the vehicle already sported more than a few dings (one of them a one-foot dent on the bumper, delivered by a mailbox from the day he attempted to teach his grandson how to drive) was not state of the art, but it was an old beater, suitable enough to teach his now official son-in-law how to man a motor car. It was about time, too; the sheriff’s department had just acquired a new patrol car and it would be helpful for the new deputy Jones to be able to move independently from his wife, the Sheriff and Savior of the town, not to mention the little one that would soon join the little Jones combo in a few months. Emma would NOT drive herself to deliver their child! So Emma and Snow waited at Granny’s diner while Hook and David began their newest, boldest adventure: Teaching a one handed, three hundred year old sea pirate how to drive a 1973 Ford F.

"Not sure this is much of a good idea, mate..." Killian hesitantly dragged behind David.

"Nonsense." David laughed. "It's easy as pie. Come on, you can single-handedly sail the Jolly Roger but you can’t handle a car?”

_Easy as pie_ … Killian chuckled, remembering how he had dragged Baelfire to the helm of the Jolly Roger using those exact same words. Except that turning the helm wheel of a ship was probably a considerably easier task than this realm's contraptions. Ships were powered by wind and magic; Cars were just a massive mechanical undertaking! All those levers, pedals, pulleys and buttons... One helm and a compass against this devilish contraption?

"Are you sure I can do this with one hand, mate?" Killian sighed as they each took their sides in David's van, with Killian behind the wheel.

"You've lived three hundred years with a hook prosthetic, I'm sure you can manage." David huffed as he closed the door behind himself, sitting down. "You have Emma and Henry in your watch now, pirate, and soon enough you’ll have your own child, so you'll need to be able to move them around. Now..." He sighed and smiled at his once rogue friend. "Are you ready?"

Killian's nervous grin read 'not especially' all over it.

"Good. First things first. You're not as tall as I am, so..." He pointed at some point under the driver's seat. "Reach down and adjust your seat; make yourself comfortable. Make sure you can see ahead."

"Comfortable... right then..." Hook nodded and reached with his hook, finding a lever and tugging.. hard. Without any warning, the seat sprung forward and his whole body slumped into the steering wheel, nearly rendering him breathless. "OOOOFF!"

David laughed and stepped out of the car, walked around and opened Killian's side to help him with his predicament. He stood by giggling, armes crossed, looking at the poor pirate, pinned between wheel and seat.

Killian turned with a frown. "I am so very pleased you find this conundrum amusing, mate. Remind me to laugh out loud when I disembowel you in your sleep. Now will you kindly help me out of this!"

David shook his head with a grin. "Come on, you’ve endured worse." He reached down and dislodged the pirate, helping him adjust the seat to a decent distance and arm length. Killian breathed again and turned a warning look at David, who just nodded. “Cozy now?”

Killian breathed again and turned a warning look at David. "Get... on... with... it."

"Ok, then." David nodded, still trying hard to conceal his smirk. "Now adjust the height. And, ehm... try not to bump your head on the ceiling, 'mate'."

"Hilarious, “dave”. How?"

"On your other side, under the seat. there's a round, flat knob. Turn it. Gently!"

Killian turned the knob on the side and felt the seat rise slowly, stopping when he was able to see the pavement ahead of him. “Ahh.” He smiled. "Right. Got it. Then what?"

"Seat belt. Up here." Killian pulled the strap over his shoulder and turned to his right to buckle it. He still couldn't figure out where his head should be and the strap started to cut at the base of his neck. "I can gather that motoring this demonic gadget is not entirely safe, is it? Why do we need to secure ourselves?"

"Just in case." David nodded. "You're a captain, didn't you ever tie yourself to your mast, or something?"

Killian chuckled. "Only to avoid diving in after the sirens and drowning mate... other than that, no. If the ship goes asunder and you're tied up on deck, you'll be sending postcards to your missus from Davy Jones' Locker."

David nodded, closed Hook’s door and walked back around to his seat. "Well, no sirens here, so no need to worry for anything else.” He strapped himself in. “This is an older model but newer cars have air bags, I'm sure the new patrol does.”

Killian furrowed his brow. "You've what?"

"Never mind, we'll leave safety theory for another lesson. Now..." he huffed. "How to drive stick."

"Stick?" Killian sneered.

"This baby right here..." David gave the gear shift a gentle pat. "Now, see the pedal on the left?" Killian turned and nodded. "That's your clutch."

Killian turned his eyes to David and raised an eyebrow. “Beg pardon, my what?”

“Clutch.”

Hook began to chuckle, "I could swear that that sounds sexual..."

"CLUTCH, you moron, CLUTCH!, not crotch!"

Killian giggled mischievously. "Well, you did say I'd drive stick..."

"Is it possible for you to take ANYTHING seriously and not immediately assume it's related to sex?"

"Oh... Who's whining now?" Killian teased his friend in that funny manner of his, tongue in cheek and bobbing his head.

"Hook!"

"David!"

"Pay attention!"

"All right, fine." he sighed. "What does the... CLUTCH do?" He said, stepping on it repeatedly.

David huffed. "Don't... pump it like that, you'll choke the gas line.

"Bloody hell, what is the gas line, David?"

"Just listen, I'll explain everything else later, god! You press on that so you can move the stick, make the engine go faster, press clutch, move up, clutch again, shift gears and you'll go a bit harder and..."

Killian laughed again. "Sounds like foreplay..."

"Oh, here we go again." David huffed. “Can you please just take this seriously??”

"Ok, all right mate, don't get your knickers in a twist."

"Focus!" David scolded.

Killian raised his eyebrows and pressed his lips together, highly amused.

"Now, look." He turned his blue gaze to the odd looking, pear shaped leaver between them. It was too much for Killian's dirty mind. "We’re on neutral now, but we’re going to shift to first. Go on, put your foot in the clutch..." Hook grunted and turned to look at David as his boot went all the way into the pedal. "Here, see?" David shifted the gear. "You put your foot all the way in the clutch when you want to shift gears; each gear has like a speed limit, if you want to go faster than, say, twenty or thirty miles per hour, you have to switch to second…”

"Second what?"

“Here, look..." David jostled the lever again to its middle ground. "Here we're not moving at all see? Now... Clutch, again please..." Killian complied and turned to the leaver. "You shift to second. I think that within the town limits you don’t want to go beyond third, you’re only allowed to do 40 mph, and 30 when you’re around a school or a playground."

"Right then. So... how do I slow down?" Killian frowned. "Say I'm going through the woodland and one of the dwarves crosses the road unexpectedly..."

David laughed at the way Killian pronounced the word "dwarf", and sighed. "Middle pedal. That's your brake. Left foot for the clutch and right foot for gas and brake. Clutch and brake always go together too.”

"So, I have to dance my feet around these bloody things while I switch around this leaver... and simultaneously mind the helm?"

"It's a wheel."

"Yes, mate, the helm is normally a wheel."

"No, Hook, this is called a wheel, not a 'helm'." David shook his head and huffed. "This is a car, not a ship."

Killian rolled his eyes. "Potato po-tah-to, love. Just get on with it."

David narrowed his eyes. "You're hopeless..."

"At least I'm dashing."

"That's not gonna make you a better driver."

"But it will make your vessel look a damn sight better." He chortled.

David shook his head. "Look, can we just...?"

"Yes, yes, go on, what then?"

David sighed and went on with the theory: Clutch, brake and gas, neutral, ignition, revving, speeding, emergency braking, releasing and pressing the gear, kangarooing, vibrating, sliding... It was now time to take the vessel for a spin.

"Right then, so..." Killian bit his lips and looked around the cabin, trying to organize his thoughts as he finally settled for the ignition key. "Let's see... I’m neutral... Press down on clutch and break, turn this key..." The car blared to life and Killian smiled. "Ahh! That was perfect." He turned to David with a wink.

David nodded back. "So far so good. Now what?"

"Now the fun begins!" Killian bit his tongue with a grin and then switched gears and went into first. "Ok..." David nodded. "Now, slowly... slowly release the brake..."

Killian complied with an amused grin as the car wobbled and moved forward. "Ok, that's good, be careful, you're kangarooing a bit... less clutch... ok, very nice... a little faster now... be gentle... now put your foot on the gas, yes that’s it right there… press it... press it, just a little bit harder... right there, that's it, keep going!"

"Mate, you should really shut up, your sex banter's throwing me off and there's only one person in the world who gets to say those things to me!" Killian laughed.

"WHAT?"

"Oh, don’t be coy, you wilting spring flower, you..." Killian cackled back, his eyes fixed on the road and hand an hook on wheel. "Do you really believe Emma and I conceived that child by wishing her to the blue fairy into Emma’s womb?"

"That's my daughter you're talking about!"

Killian raised both eyebrows. "Oh… we do loads more than just 'talking'..."

"Jesus, look, Pirate, I don't wanna know!" David barked and Killian laughed, highly amused at David's flustered state.

"Ok, so... To get to Granny's, if my navigation skills are any good, I’ll have to..."

"Red light..."

"What red light?"

"Up there, red light!"

"And what of it?"

"Stop!"

"What?!"

"Killian!"

The truck raced past the red light and Killian swiveled to a halt once on the other side of the road before the sound of honking cars.

"You demented bastard!" David shouted. "Red light!"

"WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IN A RED LIGHT?" Killian shouted back.

David frowned. "Didn't I... explain traffic signals?"

"No, I'm afraid you left that particular detail out, your bloody highness..." The Captain hissed with a gnarl. "Might I suggest you further instruct me on those before I, let's say, get us all killed?"

"Ok, ok, Hook, enough." David huffed and released a high pitched 'Whoo!' as he ran a hand through his hair and tried to control his adrenaline. "Okay.It's simple enough. Green means go, yellow means slow down and red means stop completely. Ok?"

Killian raised both eyebrows. "That wasn't so hard now, was it?"

"Be quiet. Now..." He sat straight again. "Let's have another try.”

Killian huffed. "Fine." He revved the engine and smiled. "Ohhh.. I like the way that sounds."

"You're using up gas, Hook, don't do it."

Killian turned a defiant smirk at David and revved again. "Oh, just once more... It's like a cat purring after chasing a rat." In an attempt to imitate the engine he emitted a growl that would have made any other pirate shudder.

David rolled his eyes. "Look, I know the Jolly Roger was wind powered, but over here fuel is not exactly cheap, Killian, so please stop screwing around and get on with the show, huh?"

"Ah, bugger off, I'm coming!" Killian sighed and shook his head. "Where’s your sense of adventure, David?"

He turned the wheel and released the brake, speeding out and almost hitting a car passing to their left. "Bloody hell!" He stepped on the brake and both he and David slumped forward.

David was having a hard time not losing his patience. "Mirrors!" He shouted at him.

"I see them, mate! What about the bloody mirrors?"

“Look into your mirrors, Hook!!”

Killian frowned and looked into his rear-view mirror. “Aye, I’m as dashing as always, so what??”

David frowned again. "I... didn't tell you about them, either?"

Killian rolled his eyes and leaned back into the seat with an exasperated sigh. "I think you may have also omitted that other detail." He turned to David and grinned a highly annoying grin. "How are you even alive, mate?"

"Ok, shut up. The mirrors..." He adjusted the read view inside. "These are not just here so you can gawk at your...'dashing' face, buddy. You use these to see cars coming behind you, see the distance, figure out how to move. So... take a look and then check over your shoulder..."

“Oh…” Killian looked to his left and saw the mirror. "Not a car in sight..."

"Ok... so it's safe to move. Go." Killian drove for a few seconds steadily. "Ok, that's really good. You're getting it!"

"So, say I want to go faster?"

"Ok, signal, shoulder check and change lanes..." Killian frowned. "Signal to whom? How do I change lanes? What's a lane?"

"Oh..." David sighed. "I didn't tell you about lane speed, either, did I?"

Killian huffed and once again pulled over with a mild slump. "No... you did not include that in your magnificent display of teaching skill, either."

"Ok. Left lane..." He pointed to the side of the road. "High speed lane. You can go a bit faster there. If, however, you plan to continue driving like an old lady, you take the right lane."

"What if I go slowly on either lane?"

"Then you're hogging the space and we get fined."

"Even if I'm married to the sheriff?"

"You just... don't do that Hook!"

"I see... and if I speed on either lane?"

"Are you maniacal? We could cause an accident!"

Killian nodded. "Just covering all the bases, mate. Now..." He turned the two huge, sky blue puppy eyes to his father-in-law friend. "Anything else I should know before I take off and manage to turn this artifact into the tin can that might well be our final resting abode?"

David thought for a few seconds and shook his head. "I don't think so."

"I swear if you shout an me again in the middle of it and I lose my concentration..."

"Go on, let's go."

Killian nodded. "Not doing too poorly, am I?"

"Not too much."

"Right then." The Pirate adjusted his collar. "If I could fly a thirty-ton wooden vessel, I can certainly get this device to Granny's. Now... Mirror... no one's coming... right, off we go."

"Ok... ok that's it. You got it. Right there... and... a little faster... just let off the... ok good, good, watch your speed... Ok don't slow down, you're almost... yeah... yes that's good!"

"DAVID!" Killian shouted unexpectedly. "Either you remain quiet or you transform into a luscious young woman and have your way with me!"

"Shut up.”

"Do you even know what you sound like, mate?"

"Just focus! "

"Very well, Granny's is this way..."

"Don't turn left."

"But Granny's is..."

"No left! Stop!"

Once again, they screeched to a halt. "Might I know, once and for all, the reason why I CAN'T turn to the left, when the diner's clearly in that direction?" an exasperated Killian turned to David.

“There’s no turning signal and it’s marked, no turning, there! Are you blind?”

Killian grimaced and he looked at the sign with an arrow to the left crossed over by a red line. “Wh... And what the bloody hell is that thing supposed to mean?”

"Oh..." David scratched his brow. "Ok I may have also omitted turning lights at intersections..."

The pirate did a face palm. "You are shaping up to become the worst driving coach in history."

"Hey, at least I'm teaching you, now go on, let's go, turn right on the next and do a u-turn on..."

"What in BLAZES is a U-Turn?"

**********

The bell atop the door at Granny’s announced the entry of Prince and Pirate. By the time they reached the diner, David was sweating and Killian was in an admittedly foul mood. Snow waited there with little Neal while Emma tried to figure out what had happened to the battery of Henry's PSP when the jingling of the bell atop the door drew their gaze. In came two men with set jaws, and both sat defiantly facing each other, next to each other's significant other, angry gazes locked.

"Whoa..." Emma looked from her father to her husband.

"I take it the driving lesson didn't go too well..." Snow shrugged as she handed her toddler over to Granny.

"Oh, it went well." Killian nodded, his lips pressed together. "I’m a fast learner and a stellar apprentice, so I can certainly captain that diabolical engine now, although I'm not sure my first mate here helped any..."

"I lost the front bumper because nearsighted Jones here can't tell the difference between the sidewalk and a parallel parking!"

“Wait wh… wha wh…” Killian held his hand out with a slight shake of his head. "What in blazes is parallel parking??” Killian leaned forward. "I'm not DAFT, mate, I’ll do it if you bloody explain it!"

David sneered. "I didn’t. explain how to park, either?"

"No, you did NOT!"

"Oh..." David relaxed and smiled. "Well there's four kinds of parking, so you have to…"

"Oh be quiet, mate, we’re here now, lesson is over!" Killian sneered and slumped back into the seat, sulking.

Emma reached over and put her hand on his shoulder. "It's ok, you'll get it soon! Before you know it you'll be zipping around town faster that you can say Ahoy."

"Aye, but not until I learn how to do it properly and the odds of that happening at this moment with your father as an instructor are bleak."

Snow nodded with a grin. "Yeah, Charming is really good at it but when teaching he can be a little bit... vague."

"What?" David turned to his wife with a frown. "I told him everything!"

"Except how to park..." Emma smiled.

"Did you mention straight versus intermittent lane markings?" Snow cut in.

"And pedestrian crossing lines?"

"Mileage signals?"

"Exit and entry lanes?"

“Stop signs!”

“Yielding and stopping?”

“Traffic circles? Right of way?”

"How to change a tire?"

“How about the written road test?” Snow turned with a happy grin to Hook. “Have you studied for that yet, Killian?”

David looked like a deer in headlights, shifting his face from a highly amused Emma and a grinning Snow, to a dark browed Killian, his face slightly annoyed and one eyebrow perked high. "Ok, all right, I WAS going to tell him about those, ok?" He held his hands up.

"When, mate? After our untimely deaths?" Killian sneered a smile. “Rather defeats the whole purpose, doesn’t it?”

"Ok, enough..." Emma grinned, placing her hand on Killian's thigh. "Go on, let's just get some pancakes to go, there’s a new show on Prime I really want to watch and the smell of Granny’s tomato soup is really making me sick." She looked up at him. "Wanna drive me home, pirate?"

"NOT on your life, Swan. I’ll endanger you and our child. You captain your vessel, I'll adhere to my own marine know how..." He brooded.

"Come on!" she grinned, running her hand slightly up his thigh. "I can teach you better than my dad..."

Killian raised an eyebrow and looked briefly to his thigh under the table, then turned an amused smirk to his wife. Emma's hand was dangerously close to... well, the gear shift.

He smiled. "You intend to… show me how to drive the stick?"

Snow and David’s eyes widened.

"Hell yeah. I can also show you how to… pop the clutch when the motion stalls. Mhh?"

“Well, if you put it like that, Swan, I’d love to grind those gears in your company…”

“Yep, that’s the spirit. Let’s make that engine hum, pirate…” 

Snow’s mouth gaped open and David flushed red with a frown.

Killian just smirked, and bit his lower lip. “As the lady wishes…” He turned and winked at David as they stood and left the diner. “We’re talking about driving mate, don’t let that crisp mind of yours go to the gutters, now…”.

David gasped just as Killian and Emma went out the door, giggling. Snow put a finger over her lip and stifled a chuckle. Annoying his father-in-law was fun before, but now it was just too easy.


End file.
